Wine Predictions for 2025

The only guide you need to what will be vinously occurring this year

Ever wished you could look into a crystal ball? Wish no longer. The Morning Claret has dusted off our rather cloudy sphere to dish out some unfiltered predictions - no, certainties - for the coming rotation around the sun.

Musk Farage wine brand set for failure

As reported on Facebook, Instagram and Threads, Elon Musk and Nigel Farage plan to launch a low alcohol Provençal rosé named La Poche de la Douche, but TMC can exclusively report that the project is already in trouble¹. Farage is apparently less than enthusiastic about Musk’s insistence on using high levels of sulphites (which Farage terms “poisonous”), while Musk has accused Farage of only liking sour grapes.

Rosé wine expert Elisabeth Garble commented “If this is true, it will be a sad day for the world of celebrity-branded, mass-produced, piss-poor rosé. There is barely enough blush Zinfandel to go round as it is.”

Umlauts to be made illegal due to trauma link

An international committee will publish findings that the use of umlauts in grape variety names such as Gewürztraminer, Blaufränkisch and Pinöt Grigiö causes psychological trauma in American consumers. Legislation will follow to ban the umlaut in the near future.

Texan wine fan Chuck Rougenek supports the move, saying “It ain’t right puttin’ them commie symbols on the letters. My little Donny’s only 15, no wonder the boy’s havin’ nightmares ordering a bottle of Thunderbird Grüner Veltliner when he can’t even pro-nounce the damn thang.”

Müllër-Thürgäu producers in Kurfüstenstück are particularly distraught. Grower Jürgen Bratwürst told TMC “This will be a sad day for our region. We must switch to producing easy to pronounce shit like Sylvaner or Regent. Nobody wants that. And what in Gottes Himmel am I supposed to do with my experimental plot of Hárslevelű?”

Shock discovery that natural wines contain alcohol

After years of speculation about what causes natural wine fans to suffer from headaches, the shocking truth will be revealed in 2025: it is not sulphites, biogenic amines or the lecture from the sommelier before they open your bottle. Natural wines will be proven by new evidence to contain a poison called alcohol.

TMC interviewed members of the public to get their reaction. Amsterdam-based natural wine fan Bianca Havermelk van Latté said “OMG. My friend told me you don’t get a hangover so long as you stick to the bottles with weird cartoon labels. Do I have to go back to drinking kombucha?”

Goût de souris to become UNESCO Intangible Cultural Heritage

Also known as mousiness, goût de souris has become an essential component of French natural wines and will be be awarded the prestigious Intangible Cultural Heritage status by UNESCO in 2025. Seminal Alsace winemaker Pierre Moussé-as-Fuch, who lobbied for the recognition, told TMC “This is un moment historique for le vin naturel. Finalement le goût de souris - merde, I mean le goût de terroir - will be recognised as a central part of our culture and protegé for future generations.”

Kendrick and Drake beef over when to drink Burgundy

Rappers once loved spitting bars about high end Champagne, but things are set to go seriously DRC in 2025. Sworn enemies Kendrick Ladoix and Aloxe Drake Corton recently beefed over how long to age their baller Chardonnays. Kendrick gained the upper hand in his diss-track Nuits-like-us:

Say, Drake, I hear you like 'em young
You better not ever go to Chambertin
To any somm that talk to him and they in love
Just make sure you hide your grand cru from him

The feud will ramp up when Drake Corton releases a remixed version of his hit album For All the Beaunes, containing new bonus track Fear of Premox.

Wine writers to proclaim 2025 year of Riesling and Sherry

All wine writers everywhere, in collaboration with all wine publications everywhere, will declare 2025 to be the year of the Riesling and Sherry revivals. Previous years when this has been declared include 2024, 2023, 2022, 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018, 2017, 2017, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010….. (ed - that’s enough years)

Editor of Carafer magazine Charmaine Harveys-Bristol Cream told us “there’s never been a better time than 2025 for us to recycle the same tired article we’ve been publishing for the last 20 years. People only look at the photos anyway.”

(ed - that’s enough predictions. You’re fired.)

Wine proven to be good for us

Booze hacks have some revelatory news for you this year. Wine is actually healthy so long as you’re bourgeois and you drink it out of a glass. It’s only those oiks sat on the street with a bottle of Tesco value whisky who are endangering their lives. This wine-positive meta-analysis is doing the rounds to ensure you retain that warm cozy feeling:

https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/nutrition/articles/10.3389/fnut.2023.1197745/full

Wine proven to be bad for us

Whoops… all governments everywhere just doubled down on their language and apparently even the cutest biodynamic vignerons are part of something called Big Alcohol. Just in case umlauts weren’t upsetting enough for the American public, the US Surgeon General asserted that even a sip of the good stuff will probably make you drop dead sooner rather than later.

The Consequences of the Surgeon General's Advisory on Alcohol and Cancer

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1. All details have been validated in line with Meta’s new fact-checking policy